I'm pretty sure that when people suddenly blurt out that you are skinny what they mean is that you are fat. They see you, are struck by the weight you've gained, have to say something but can't say what they see so they say the exact opposite. In fact if one more person tells me I am skinny I'm pretty sure I won't be able to get into my jeans, which I already have to do a set of crescent warriors to get into.
I will always think that I am fat, or getting fat or that I have been fat for a long time and everybody knows it but me, except that I did sort of know cause I always think so. And that's how it for lots of people. I'm not special in my fatphobia but that makes it no less annoying to me. When I came out of the dressing room at old navy yesterday to look in the 3 angle mirror at the end of the hall I wanted to know when they'd been swapped for the fun house kind. How can I suddenly be 4 feet tall and 3 feet wide? When did it happen? Add to that coming around a corner and someone sort of shockingly calling you skinny (not even trim or thin, but skinny) and I started to worry. I am muscley definitely, in fact my arms are sometimes hulkish and creepy to me. And my legs could hold up 2 (maybe 2.5) pianos. I'm built to last, skinny I am not.


And pale. God dammit I am pale. I can see my kidneys through my back, my skin in so white. I am a map of blue veins on skin the color of last week's snow. My face so blank that I have to squint in the mirror to find my nose.

And still she loves me.